So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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