If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
