I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
