tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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