i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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