I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
