I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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