I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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