i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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