you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
