so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
