the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
