I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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