Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
