she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
