I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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