things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
