Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have feelings that need drinking.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
