when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
