i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
