I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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