"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
