I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I could make wine with my vomit
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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