rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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