so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
