God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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