I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
