U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
