if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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