I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
NoShamevember. You game?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
