There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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