I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
