it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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