He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
