I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Michael Bay diarrhea
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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