By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
