And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
