Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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