You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
