guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
