I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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