You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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