I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
