Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
