I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
