just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
