my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
