I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
