No stitches, just platelets and will power
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
