Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
