Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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