Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Randomize
