why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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