Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
