new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
