You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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