That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
