do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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