God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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