Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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