The maid of honor just puked.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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