omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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