the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
